Creativity fails me at the moment

I figure it's time I try to collect my thoughts and not just report after crazy adventures. These are all in no particular order, just as they occur to me.

I've been thinking how very happy I am to be taking German classes in the fall. It's about time that I had more official education about German and German related studies. However, what I'd really like is a speaking lesson. It's technically been 4yrs since I've been taught how to pronounce the language. I'm sure that there's not much more I would have learned in high school, but after having spent a year abroad, I haven't taken many classes at college and people kind of stay away from correcting me. I hear all the time, that I speak great German, either perfectly ( which I know isn't true) or with hardly any mistakes, but that people can hear that I'm not from Germany. Although it would be lovely to eventually have no accent, I'd just like to pronounce things a more correctly. With that I'm sure, I'll lose some of my accent.

Also, I have realized lately, mostly through translation tasks, how amazing the German language is and why I love it so much. The vocabulary, how they create words, the sentence structure, etc. It all fits together so well, and when you read a German sentence, it has this very natural feeling, like it's complete and you know exactly what it's saying and without too many words. Trying to translate some sentences is not only hard, but it's almost saddening, because I know the English won't be anywhere as lovely as the German. You can't change something that's perfect. When I talk about how they create words, I mean how some prefixes can change words, and often if you add that prefix to another verb, it carries the same change. For example the infinitive for to run, to walk is 'laufen'. If you want to say you got lost, you would use the word 'verlaufen' as in 'mis-walked'. If I were to add 'ver-' to the infinitive to write 'schreiben' and wanted to say that I miswrote something, I could say 'verschrieben'. Although we have this in the English language, it just doesn't feel the same. We also make up words all the time in English "facebook it" or I just "googled it". German has similar trends, but they're all so much more beautiful and less casual somehow. There's also nothing that beats the feeling of saying a complicated German sentence and coming out on the other end, nice and clean with a verb and with your point made.

People have lately been asking me why I decided to learn German and why I'm in Germany. Aside from the above note, there are a few reasons, though I'm still actually not really sure. I've been doing German for so long, that it has just become a part of who I am. It doesn't take much effort, and I don't feel like I'm pursuing something -studies-wise- because it's so natural for me. I knew going into college I wanted to pursue German, and oftentimes I think I decided that, simply because it was a good fallback, but I don't think (I hope not at least) that is the only reason. I haven't actually taken enough German classes at the university level to comment further on this exact point, but it's just fulfilling understanding something I didn't grow up with and that I've dedicated myself to and immersed myself in. Germans ask why I'm here and how I decided to come here. Recently there has not been a thought process along the lines of 'I have to be in Germany. That's the only place I want to be.', because that wouldn't be true. If I ever thought that, it was a long time ago. I love my life in the States and I rarely want it to end. Having learned other languages and having been exposed to other parts of the world, I would love to spend time somewhere else. If I could spend next summer with some position in a French-speaking country, I would love it. Germany has its perks, because I'm automatically comfortable here at this point. Granted there is always culture shock, but at any moment I can live here happily. Going to Germany always means a small adventure related to my purpose of going there. The larger adventure of Germany itself was over in a way after my exchange year. Having written that, it sounds a bit sad, but being in this position, has allowed me to grow in other ways, and not have to focus on just getting around and worrying about getting a ticket at the train station.

My life in Germany will never be like that of the one in America, but that's almost why I come here: to get away, escape, clear my head, do things for myself, enjoy my years as a young adult, explore, make mistakes and run with them, meet other people, and then apply all that to my life in the US.

I've found that although I love college and everyone and everything at U of M, my mind is often wrapped around certain events and people. Getting away from there provides a mental release and allows me to go back to school with a new beginning. This is the same reason why Skagway, AK, was absolutely amazing.

On a side but related note, people watching here is so fascinating. Not only how men dress themselves but how middle-aged women put themselves together. It's eye candy all the time. Despite the fact that Germans may be worried, strict, or not as friendly as Americans, my opinion is that I see more middle-aged men enjoying themselves at lunch than I would ever see in the US. This combined with how well dressed they are, their briefcases, their casual appearance over beer at lunch, and the fact that they're German, just makes me smile. It's inspiring in a way. Although I love the US and nothing compares to it, this is a time where there is always a cloud hanging over our heads, especially in Michigan and especially in my family. Seeing these business men is inspirational and reminds me that, no matter what may be going on in my life/at home/the economy/the world, I can enjoy life, and it's my decision how and whether or not to do that.

Things at work are going well. It is typical German not to praise you for your accomplishments and what not, so knowing that, I don't expect praise from my boss, and I know that I will ask her in a week or two how I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like she can't be pleased at all and sometimes I just don't know what more I could do. I've never done anything less than I should, but it is my responsibility to make sure that I fulfil my role as expected and that in doing so, I also get as much out of it as possible.

I've often said that after having been an exchange student, I wouldn't mind working for an exchange organization. Working in the International Office has definitely been a window to new possibilities. I keep thinking I might like to be a Coordinator/Director/was weiss ich in the long run, but I have a feeling, it's just because I'm caught up in it right now. I look foward to my next two years of school and seeing how I grow and what topics/themes/tasks interest me. There has never been a straight path for me nor a solid desire. My life has always had opportunities and options, always allowing me to move in one direction and then another. I realize that I'm moving forward in some way, but right now I'm so immersed, that I cannot see the larger picture of where this is leading. My only wish is that when I graduate, I have a goal or a plan. Lauren Conrad from the hit show "The Hills" decided to leave the show finally (it was created for her) and quit her job. She was telling her boss and friends that this is the first time in long time that she hasn't known what was coming next and how happy she was about that. I believe that in some way, I'm in that place right now. Despite the fact that I always know I'll be in school, have classes, be an APA, etc, I don't know what's going to happen after all that, and I'm not obsessively planning for what comes after, not yet anyhow. But, that being said, I don't want to graduate and spend the summer soul or job searching. I want to know that I'm entering a career or a new academic phase, that of graduate school. I suppose I already sound a lot more directed than most people, and I'm blessed to have this peace of mind. However, I'm naturally like this. I don't put forth extra effort, nor do I have the pressure of my parents or peers to create a plan. Somehow I've always been as on top of my game as I need to be and so far it has worked. As far as having this internship goes, it seriously just fell in my lap. In that way, I don't feel like I've ever had to work very hard to get anything or be successful. Most people wouldn't agree with me, and I'll compromise by saying that I work hard all the time, and thus success just comes when it does. If I hadn't had a great research sponsor/mentor these past two years, I wouldn't be here at all. Getting this internship has also further emphasized the point that I should never fail to read anything and everything; it would have been so easy to miss the announcement about this opportunity.

On a closing note, I just want to be happy (and maybe somewhat comfortable). I think I'm worried that I know I'll always be happy as an undergrad at U of M, but I'm not familiar with my life after graduation and I cannot imagine where I'll be. As I said though, I try not to think about it and just focus on the now.

There is one more topic that I'd like to mention. It has been floating around for a while now and people tend to ask me questions, so I'm going to address it. I've only been in Germany for almost three weeks now, but I've already been asked (including by my parents) if I've met any guys yet. I understand that it can be meant as a joke/fun and that I have a long track record of extraordinary guy friends, but in no way am I on the search for a boyfriend. In the past year, after a lot of reflecting and pining (thank god for patient friends), I realized I was happy single, and that is still true. I would never be against being in a relationship, but I refuse to look for guys or view them as potential boyfriend material. (I know it happens instinctively, but I try to stop that.) If I'm meant to be with someone, it'll happen. I'm not going to evaluate every attractive or interesting guy I meet and imagine what could hypothetically happen. I don't need that. It might be fun to meet a German and be able to grow close. I'm never against something happening, but the point is that I'm not going to make an effort of pursuing someone or trying to find someone. I have no doubt that one day I'll meet someone who completes me and whom I complete, but for heaven's sakes, I'm nineteen. I'd love to think how much I could grow and experience between now and the time I meet my soulmate or a solid relationship partner. I don't think meeting him in the next year would be good for either of us, though you can always grow through a relationship and each other. Along those lines, although children are always a possibility, I've realized how much other people assume I'm going to have children. In may in fact not happen (sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have any just to spite people). They are a blessing, but clearly at nineteen years of age, I'm not sure if they play a role in my life, and I would appreciate it if people would stop imagining their role in my life for me. ( Not lashing out, just commenting on recent remarks.)

Sometimes I wonder if people say things to me because they forget how young I am and how much they have behind them.

These are a few of the things on my mind. I originally intended to write more about work, but that doesn't seem to belong here, so I'll include that in the next post.

"Be all that you can be, for that is all there is of you" Emerson